I am sure you have heard of Facebook by now, unless you have been living on another planet. Facebook, the social network that has over 200 million users worldwide, is a place to connect with friends, co-workers, classmates and family to share your pictures, send virtual gifts and share snippets of your daily life.
This all sounds great, right? For the most part it is, however there are times that the fun and connection can lead to problems in your relationship with your partner. I am sure some of you are saying “No”, “Not Me”! But most will have to agree that the connections you make on Facebook can affect the relationship you have at home.
First let me say this is from a guy’s perspective and I don’t know how a woman’s perspective would differ. If you are a woman reading this blog post, please do leave your comments below, I would love to hear your side.
Let’s put aside the issue of how much time you spend on the computer and neglect your partner; that is for a whole different post. Today the question I am posing to you is what effect does Facebook have on your relationship.
Assume that you and your partner both have Facebook accounts and you are both linked as “In a Relationship” -or- “Married“. Let’s also assume that you have no separate “Secret” Facebook accounts that you are hiding from your partner; that is also a subject for a whole different post. If this is the case, then all should be fine in Facebook world, no?
Not so fast, it is all fun and games when you send each other virtual gifts, poke each other, play Texas Holdem and even write on each others walls and status updates. I have even seen some profiles where both partners appear in each others profile pictures.
But what happens when a “Friend” from the past (before your current relationship) shows up on your partner’s friend list? Is it just Facebook so it doesn’t matter? Would you care at all? Even if your relationship is rock solid would there not be any question in your mind about this new found friendship?
It can be very easy for Facebook to cause troubles in paradise with a simple “Accept Friend Request“. Would it not matter to you in the least that your partner has made a connection with someone that he or she was involved with in the past? If it does matter, what would you do?
- Would you fight with your partner?
- Would you ask your partner to delete this friend?
- Would you throw the computer out the window?
I would love to hear either side of this argument, please feel free to post in the comment section below.
( If you are reading this anywhere but my blog, you can find the original post here. )
Hey Phil, I have to say I added Freddy to my friends list. Freddy was my first everything! My husband knows this and was actually friends with Freddy before I ever met Freddy.
I also went to elementary school with my husband. I have commented maybe once or twice on his status. Ran into him and his wife at a bar one night and a couple of beers with them.
Now my husband knows all of this. He also knows my password on facebook and can log in anytime, read my messages and posts. So if you don’t have anything to hide then it shouldn’t matter. I enjoy looking at old friends pictures. Seeing that everyone is happy and has beautiful families.
And what I always keep in mind is that if a person is going to cheat they will do it regardless. They will find a way, just don’t make it easy for them! Trust but be wary.
Thanks for the comment Lisette.
I agree that if someone wants to cheat it will happen no matter what. However I do think Facebook can make it easier to do simply because you can chat, private message, etc all without the personal interaction of other communication avenues.
However the real question is not that your husband thinks you are going to cheat but has any of your facebook friends caused issues between you and your husband? Let’s just say “Freddy” that you spoke of started commenting on many of your posts and “liked” everything of yours do you think your husband would be ok with that?
I think facebook can be great to keep in touch with friends and family, but it can also cause problems in a relationship especially one that already has problems…
The big question is then is this person “liking” alot of people’s posts or just yours? Cause if that’s the case then it would be a problem because that’s kind of stalkish behavior. Focusing on you and what you have to say.
So then I agree it can cause problems. Then you should block the person from commenting or viewing your wall.
Yea I totally agree with the idea that it surely tries to harm your relaitonship. Me and my partner dont have any fight over anything apart from the annoying contacts that keep on adding you on your facebook. I agree that one should trsut partner but at the end of the day the other perosn is a human being and is tend to slip. And this social sites leave no space for privacy. I belive every individual is different and has a right to react differently with anyone he/she feels but on facebook you cannot be . It has been harming my relationship and distroying my peace of mind but it is such a devil that my partner doesnt want to get rid of ths shit.As it is easy and accessable to everyone.
What do u say.
Sorry for the late reply here…
If you and your partner cannot agree on a happy medium that make you both feel secure then I think you have to work on your relationship more or re-evaluate it.
Just remember that Facebook is a virtual reality not an actual meet me for lunch kind of thing, unless the line is crossed and that meeting is actually brought to fruition…
My boyfriend and I broke up because of facebook I first talked him into getting it than his ex wife was on his page soon after seeing pics of her the texting started then they were going to reunite. He realized soon after we broke up he wanted to truly be with me it hurt me really bad that we broke up due to an ex,but it did make us realize we were so in love with eachother. I trust him she’s not on his friends list anymore but she has came into are relationship since then. Were pretty solid his status is in a relationship with me and our pics are on his page too. I get jealouse when he has all these women on his friends list from his past espeicaly when they are pretty and their pics are always popping up. He says they are old school friends but im still insecure with his facebook since it nearly broke us before. He gets mad at me it makes me feel silly stupid and insecure when I mention it im not a jealous person but I am when it comes to this. What do I do or say or nothing at all?
Hey Dawn,
Thanks for commenting…
First let me say that I am glad that you could work it out and be with the one you want, I hope that he feels the same as you do.
As for the being jealous part, I think it is natural for you to be jealous of other women that he is ‘Friends’ with… BUT, if everything is out in the open and he is not hiding this from you and you can see his friends and they can see you too then I think all should be fine.
Have a look at what Lisette had to say above, she makes some valid points.
Please let us know how it all works out for you and your partner.
I’ve had facebook for a while now and i actually created my boyfriends facebook page, we’ve been together 2 years now. Everything was going just fine in our relationship until recently when i sent a friend requested to somebody i was involved with 2 years before i met my boyfriend. He got really upset and jealous and now thinks i want something to do with this person whom i have not talked to in almost 4 years. I had no intention in being involved with that person or start a relationship with that person but now my boyfriend doesn’t believe me. What can i do?
First let me just say thank you for posting your comment and adding to my belief that Facebook can have a detrimental effect on your relationship.
That being said the first thing I would do is unfriend this person if it is causing such a riff between you and your boyfriend.
You state that you have not spoke to this person for almost 4 years and you have no intention of starting a relationship with him but yet you clicked add as friend!
Why would you add someone that you have known from your past that you were involved with if you are currently in a relationship? Also somebody that you claim you have had no contact with? I just don’t get it…
I agree that your boyfriend should be a little less controlling but you did cause this.
Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but this is the way I see it. Please keep us updated on your status and what you decided to do.
I agree I was in the wrong. I have already deleted that person from my friends. I’m trying to stay away from facebook for a while and only log on to keep in touch with my sister and niece who live out of state. My boyfriend and I have been trying to communicate more and one thing that we both agree on is that facebook is not going to break us apart. We both love eachother very much. Thank you for your advise.
Me and my Boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years. And we have had some issues about facebook. i admit that i was looking at the girl’s on jis facebook and even asked him to delete one. He had my password and would check my facebook more than i would. He would deny people from past relationships befor ei even knew they had sent me a friend request. And one time he texted me about an email i had recieved from a guy, when i didnt even know i had gotten the email or what it said. So fed up with the situation i changed my password with out him knowing, and when he had realized it we talked about it. He got mad and just deleted his facebook, i on the other hand did not. I like mt privacy, but have nothing to hide. Am i wrong for that?
Thanks for the comment Amber…
To answer your question, it is not for me to decide if you are right or wrong, however if your relationship is that unsettled that you have to check his FB and he has to check yours then you should really re-evaluate things.
The number one thing in any relationship is trust, if you can’t trust your partner then you will have a tough time making anything work between you.
That being said, Facebook is the best thing and the worst thing for relationships, friendships and even family relations…
I wish you luck and hope that you both can get past the Facebook non-sense and focus on your personal relationship.
I have to admit that facebook is a real problem for me. I look at it as if my partner has an electronic collection of women that he can view at any time. It amazes me sometimes what pictures people will post. He just randomly clicks accept without realizing why or if they should even be on his facebook. I too have been guilty of this but since we are now talking about marriage I am being exstremely careful and I want him to know that he can trust me and at all times ask me about any of the contacts. For me there has to be a reason now for anyone to be one of my “friends”. There are some of the contacts that I have asked him to remove and he says he will but never does. This could cause me to back out of the wedding all together. I need to know that he can be trusted and take facebook at bit more serious. His facebook is to me a way for him to hang onto his single identity and college days. I believe that in a relationship there has to be a commitment and at the same time still be individuals but this allows too many doors to be opened. I too have been contacted by old boyfriends but quickly denied the request or if I did not know their original intentions, and quickly made them aware that this is a facebook accvount for friends and not dating. I dont know, it’s just overwhelming for me.
Thanks Tami for your comment.
All I can say is what I have been telling everyone else already… If you can’t trust your partner then you really need to re-evaluate your relationship.
Both of you need to sit down and talk about it and decide what makes sense to both of you in regards to Facebook friends.
I wish you luck and let us know how it goes…
Hello, wanted to chime in here because I so relate to Tami’s thoughts. After having minor past discussions with my boyfriend about what Facebook should be used for (I hear the rule is that you don’t need to add anyone as a Friend that you wouldn’t invite over to visit at your home), I continued to watch female after female after female (no males) added weekly. I kept my mouth shut and just watched and became more disappointed with each. He is not a talker, just reads and posts kid pics on occasion, but will harmlessly add any old person he knows/knew. To me this goes to character. Some of them were ex’s, some were just old acquaintances from bar days. To me, I feel exactly as Tami – when finally in a long-term relationship (3 yrs.) I do not feel the need to open a door to this, I can’t possibly fathom how it is justified to need to bring them into his circle, even if there’s no one-on-one messaging. They just sit on his friend list to my knowledge. However, one in particular this evening was one that hounded and cried and stalked him after he broke it off with her, yet he accepts her Facebook request now? This goes against the impression that he his content and fulfilled with present day. And Phil while I TOTALLY agree with you, once I brought it up (again) I came out looking like a jealous possessive psycho, and the story is now “Amy went psycho because I added some girl to my Facebook.” Sounds so juvenile, and I’m 40 :) But we ended a 3-yr relationship tonight.
Wow Amy I am sorry to hear that Facebook was the main cause of your relationship breakup. It is a shame that these things happen but in the end everything happens for a reason.
I have been through many trials and tribulations because of Facebook and no so long ago MySpace. Because of these issues I too am a single 40 something. However, I don’t regret ending a much longer term relationship because of it. I should have done it long before, but the social network was the icing on the cake. When I found “other” profiles that I knew nothing about, that was it…
Once again, I am sorry about your situation but maybe you can reconcile.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not a possessive psycho because you questioned his intentions.
Oh that is so disappointing. Some of us can talk through and work out our thoughts on just Facebook issues, but when you actually do find other hidden things, there’s just no rationalizing or justifying, or telling yourself you’re making too big a deal. Definitely not.
I also want to note and agree that yes, a Facebook issue is not usually THE incident that tears the relationship down. It always seems to be that icing on a previously shaky cake. If this were the only little quirk that had been bothering me, it could have been discussed. But paired up collectively with a half dozen other ‘perceptions’ of weirdness over a period of time eventually chips away at faith until one little thing like this just shuts you down. In my case, it’s not reality/proof that did damage (there has never actually ended up being anything inappropriate), but simply the perception, over and over and over. One person can only ride that roller coaster so many times.
I hope your own experience is a distant past one, and not something recent. Update here: I went on my own FB page and dropped a light post that I’d be scaling back and working toward deletion of my account, and left some warm-hearted words for my friends. I feel that the site has become too negative for me, and when it filters into other parts of my life, it’s time to back out. I also noticed at this time that my boyfriend no longer existed on Facebook. I’m not blocked (I checked through an outsider – you know women:), he simply deleted his whole profile. I’d like to think this means good things, that perhaps FB is not worth losing a relationship to him. Whether the bigger, underlying dynamic can be repaired is another issue. We shall see if/when we talk. Best wishes to you.